top of page
  • Ayn Cates Sullivan

ON RELATIONSHIP: Intimacy Begins With Ourselves

ON RELATIONSHIP: Intimacy Begins With Ourselves by AynCates on March 19, 2013 in Inquiry

One of the questions my clients always ask me is when their soul mate is coming. Meanwhile, they miss a most fundamental understanding. We will never find what we are looking for in a relationship with another person until we find those qualities within ourselves. Every quality and capacity that we seek is already inside of each one of us waiting like precious gemstones to be discovered. After all, intimacy begins with ourselves. Our inquiry practice helps us move into greater awareness so we can cleanse our thinking and behaviors, as well as the thought, words and deeds of our ancestors. As we become more open to the presence that leads, guides and protects us we find that the love we were looking for us is within our own hearts and beingness. It is a fundamental shift in perception, but once it is made we often find that we simply attract another who is vibrating at the same level of loving awareness. When we relate in a conscious way we are less like two stones knocking up against each other and more like two perfumes sharing the same space. Experiencing the partner as one with you is what the soul mate quest is about. There are people on the planet that can be so attuned with you that you can simply melt into presence with them. I do not wish to over romanticize, at the same time I do want to introduce it as a possibility. Another reason to practice inquiry is that it is innately empowering. Once we realize that our view of people and the world is largely illusion made up with the filters of our own perceptions then we are ready to discover what we are not. Often there is a shift and people become curious about who they truly are. The main question in inquiry throughout the ages continues to be, “Who Am I?” We discover there are many levels to that simple question. When people really understand that they are love then life becomes a prayer of gratitude. The only real desire is to pour love into the earth and all its creatures. Clients often say to me in an off-­‐handed way, “Oh, I know that I’m love, but I’m lonely.” The comment is a confirmation that there is still a separation between who they are and their true self. Once the colors of a person’s true nature begin to reveal themselves we automatically relate differently. A single mother might look at her children and realize that although she has a lot of work to do, that her children are her greatest blessing. A man might wake up to realize that although his wife has left him for his best friend he can be happy that they have found one another and be grateful that he is free to pursue his own dreams. In other words, we can look at our life situations differently and simply be grateful for our growth and evolution however it is arising.

I write extensively about the colors of the soul and have a color glossary on my website with inquiry questions and prayers that many people enjoy. I also have a soul centered private practice in which people can explore who they are in greater depth. When we begin to see ourselves and others as divine light, then there is the possibility of engaging in a conscious and loving relationship. In this lovely way of relating there is no blame or expectation but instead a constant curiosity about each other and life. Even paying bills can be a fun inquiry, a life game to explore together. It’s so much fun to laugh about all the things we have taken so seriously and to realize that we can wake up and enjoy this world. As we shift our focus from demanding that another meet our needs to understanding that everything we desire is found within, we begin to relax and feel restored. The key is in understanding that blame is always a waste of time, while taking full responsibility for all aspects of our lives is how we empower ourselves. It also makes us a much more appealing partner. Suddenly we find that instead of tension there is space in which we can play together. Once you accept that you are a beacon of light; once you are happy within yourself, then the beloved tends to show up because your light is so bright that we simply attract a partner to ourselves of equal light. Of course, we must be spacious enough to allow another in. Some people are bright lights but they always have to claim center stage. Relating is about sharing one light with each other, one unity wave in which you can dissolve. There are also times when you crave autonomy, which is also healthy. Our partners come to us to show us what material we have left to work on and as friends to explore all the fascinating dimensions of ourselves with. As we take a deep breath we find it can all be a great adventure. My husband and I maintain our conscious loving practice through daily inquiry. For the first ten years of inquiry my practice always focused on the colors of the soul. As I worked with red I would become aware of the difference between aggression and the more wholesome quality of strength. With yellow I could release the contraction of fear by becoming curious about my feelings, and discovered that there is an inner intelligence that always knows what is best for us in every circumstance. In blue I could sense the contrast between judgment and feel how positive affirmation and prayer liberates us from our own self-­‐imposed limitations. The colors led my husband and I into deeper inquiries about the meaning of existence, what it is to become one wave moving within the totality of existence. Inquiry opens up the space so that we can begin to distinguish between what is false and what is true, and then we can live from our place of truth—which is an ongoing realization. Relating from this place is an incredible joy. Every moment becomes a love making. Even dealing with our most mundane daily tasks of preparing food, taking the kids to school or balancing our budget takes on a new level of delight. As we inquire we are always attuned with an inner presence which enjoys every aspect of life. I invite my readers to explore the color glossary on my website: which was complied after twenty years of inner research and study. It does not matter whether or not it makes logical sense, for the colors are connected to our true self which is awaiting our return. As you explore the inquiries simply hold an attitude of open curiosity so that your inner light can shine and all that you seek will naturally arise within you. When all of the colors petals of my soul had opened I met my beloved husband as if by chance soul gazing on a mountaintop overlooking the Pacific. Once I discovered that my inner world was an amazing cosmic adventure I could then engage in space cruising with another. Is there anything more delightful than awakening to love together? I invite you to explore the possibility of living a life in which intimacy with ourselves, with a special other and all aspects of living is simply embraced as natural and wholesome.

2 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page